Monday, December 22, 2008

Pecorino Pepato

Pecorino Pepato
Comes from: sheep (and rennet!)
Purchased at: Whole Foods
$12.99/lb

This is a pretty solid pecorino, this one is. A little on the salty side, even for pecorino, which is always salty as hell (and that is why I love it). Standard-issue pecorino-hard (Y'all know where pecorino falls on the hardness scale, right? It's pretty hard and flaky, if you haven't been paying attention, so a dry kind of hard.). The peppercorns (big ol' crunchy peppercorns) are a nice touch. It's not too much pepper, this cheese, but it is the *right* amount of pepper.

By the way, pecorino is like parmesan made from sheep instead of cow. So imagine that taste if you need more help.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Fromage D'Affinois, Robiola Due Latte Guffanti, Keen's Cheddar

It's a triple play to return from away!

(Yeah, I've been terribly neglectful of this blog, sorry. Rachel and I had a Trader Joe's cheese fiesta... sometime in November, accompanied by Commando, but I didn't document it in any way, and now I don't remember what I liked and what I didn't or even what I ate. (Actually, I am pretty sure we hit up some Ossau Iraty.) Point is, I've been out of town a lot, and so I haven't really been stocking the fridge, because whatever I bought would just bloom into a colorful collection of mycelia (WOTD!) by the time I returned.)

Fromage D'Affinois
Comes from: cows
Purchased at: Whole Foods
$14.99/lb

Leading off the triple play we have the best of the three (sorry), Fromage D'Affinois. I was a little nervous about this player, since it sported just the same shade/kind of rind as the oft-maligned French feet-cheddar of doom. But lo! I was mistaken, because this was a mild, very runny cheese of the more-or-less brie variety. It was *delicious*.

(HA HA HA. Yeah, I'm boring. This cheese is basically brie with more fat. WHO LIKES MORE FAT? OH THAT'S RIGHT I DO.)

Robiola Due Latte Guffanti
Comes from: cows *and* sheep
Purchased at: Whole Foods
$?


(Yes, Whole Foods spelled "latte" wrong. HA HA HA SNOBS.)

This cheese, on the other hand, while still good and runny -- oh, god, so wonderfully runny -- had a bit of the feet-funk to it. Just a bit, mind you, and I could certainly eat and enjoy this cheese *and* get off on the fact that hey! I must be cultured because this cheese is funky! It's good, I just... preferred the other one.

Keen's Cheddar
Comes from: cows
Purchased at: Whole Foods
$24.99/lb

And this cheese suffered, also, only in comparison to the other two. See, it's a *great* cheddar. Or at least a very good one, if not quite seaside cheddar... but then, this cheddar was more cheddar than seaside cheddar, so... whatever you're looking for, I guess. Still not terribly cheddary, but... like the memory of cheddar, carried on a chewier, flakier wind. Or something. It's just, I kind of was in a runny-cheese mood? And consequently I was like, meh, cheddar. You know?

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Keswick Creamery Wallaby

Keswick Creamery Farmstead Cheese: Wallaby
Comes from: cows
Purchased at: Frecon Farms
$3.45/3.5 oz = $15.77/lb

So this cheese is good. It's very mild, sort-of cheddary but softer than, I dunno, your standard grocery store brick. Probably would be good in your kids' sandwiches. You know, your imaginary kids? Yeah, those.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Cypress Grove Humboldt Fog Coupe

Cypress Grove Humboldt Fog Coupe
Comes from: goats
Purchased at: Whole Foods
$19.99/lb

So this cheese? Kind of fell apart? When I took it out of its wrapper? It is supposed to look like this?

Anyway. I really, really like this cheese. Rachel and I consumed copious amounts of this cheese at one of our cheese-fiestas, and lo, it was good. The outside portion of the cheese is runny and sharp in flavor, and the inside of the cheese is more mild, with an almost feta-ish, drier texture, and together they are kind of the best thing ever.

This cheese! Is so great! You should eat it! All the time! And that is the song of humboldt fog.

Saturday, October 4, 2008

Mitcana De Oveja

Mitcana De Oveja
Comes from: sheep
Purchased at: Whole Foods
$15.99/lb

This is a pretty good cheese in the runny-on-the-outside, flaky-on-the-inside family. Not too sheepy.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Sottoccenere With Truffles

Sottoccenere With Truffles
Comes from: cows
Purchased at: Whole Foods
$24.99

This cheese is... interesting. Innnnnnnteresting.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Amadeus

Amadeus
Comes from: cows
Purchased at: Whole Foods
$12.99/lb

I don't remember this cheese, actually. I think it was bland? But... okay?

Monday, September 22, 2008

Old Nancy Chatham Camembert

Old Nancy Chatham Camembert
Comes from: sheep, cows
Purchased at: Whole Foods
$19.99/lb

Is there actually a difference between camembert and brie?

Anyway. This cheese was pretty good. But then I am kind of a camembert/brie fan.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Fulvi Pecorino Romano

Fulvi Pecorino Romano
Comes from: sheep
Purchased at: Whole Foods
$9.99/lb

I have no idea why this pecorino is so cheap, because it is the best pecorino I have ever had. Not too salty, just-right flaky... flavorlicious.

Jarlsberg

Jarlsberg
Comes from: cows
Purchased at: Whole Foods
$7.99/lb

So Jarlsberg. Turns out, it is *not* a fancy cheese, but one of those sandwich cheeses my mom never bought. Which is unsurprising, because my mom bought exactly two sandwich cheeses: cheddar (for my brother) and muenster (for me). Leading to two of the sandwiches that carried me through elementary school, middle school, and high school: cheddar cheese with butter on challah bread, and muenster cheese with butter on challah bread.

So that's this cheese. I guess it is kind of like Swiss? It's a good cheese, just... common. I LOOK DOWN ON THIS CHEESE BECAUSE IT IS COMMON.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Ossau Iraty

Ossau Iraty
Comes from: sheep
Purchased at: Whole Foods
$? (might be $15.99/lb)

Also this cheese. This cheese is *amazing.* I mean, I liked the rindy bits better than I liked the non-rindy bits -- just a little crunchier and saltier -- but that's more or less how I feel about all cheeses ever, so, eh. Anyway. Delicious, sheepy cheese that is not too sheepy, because god knows I have said enough times that I hate sheepy cheeses. (Did you hear me? I HATE SHEEPY CHEESES.) (But not this one!)

Incidentally, when I purchased this cheese I was all excited because the name seemed... I dunno, Slavic to me? But now I find out it is just French. BOO BORING ETHNICITY. BOO.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Calkins Creamery Daisy

Calkins Creamery Daisy
Comes from: cows
Purchased at: Whole Foods
$15.99/lb

Oh this cheese is so good you should go out and buy some now, okay?

(I am somewhat ashamed that the cheeses I tend to like are a bit milder in flavor than, um, others. This cheese isn't, like, *bland* or anything; it's just not tongue-overpoweringly-awful. You know? Because it is good.)

Red Cloud Haystack Mountain

Red Cloud Haystack Mountain
Comes from: goats
Purchased at: Whole Foods
$?

This cheese smells like feet. No, worse; it smells like gangrene. No, really; it smells like something rotting in the sun. It is *awful.*

On the other hand, it does not taste terrible when you don't inhale. And the rind has a pleasant grittiness-

Oh! Oh when I smell it again it just smells *awful*. French-muenster awful. God.

Ugh.

Could be paired with: a heavy dose of anything else overpowering. Maybe apple butter. Like, a jar.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Ribafria

Ribafria
Comes from: goats
Purchased at: Whole Foods
$?

Alright, so I did like this cheese, but I have a quibble (... can "quibble" be a noun?) with cheese-makers everywhere: Why must you coat your perfectly-good milk byproduct with an *obscene* amount of pepper? Why? I mean, I did just eat a ton of pineapple so my mouth is a little... sensitive (as in, bleeding), but this is a shit-ton of pepper on top of perfectly good mild, dry-firm goat cheese. A *shit ton* of pepper. A *my nose is running* of pepper. A *run to the fridge for a bottle of water* of pepper. A *the back of my throat is burning so hard I need to pee* of pepper.

(That happens to y'all, right?)

Monday, September 1, 2008

Hendricks Farms of Telford Bavarian Swiss

Hendricks Farms of Telford Bavarian Swiss
Comes from: cows
Purchased at: Whole Foods
$19.99/lb

I really liked this cheese. It tastes like swiss cheese, but *better* than swiss cheese. I mean, not that I am some kind of expert on swiss cheese of the non-supermarket variety, but anyways. Think swiss cheese, but without the giant holes, and denser and less wet, like swiss crossed with parmigian in texture. It's just got a really great flavor, this cheese. (Also: Made local! In case you care about such things! Which, not really, but: Field trip?)

Herve Mons Gabietou

Herve Mons Gabietou
Comes from: cows *and* sheep
Purchased at: Whole Foods
$29.99/lb

So this cheese is... meh? I guess. It has a little bit of that foot-taste going, but so mild you don't have to notice it if you don't want to. Soft, on the verge of melty; it's not utterly formless, like brie, but with very little effort (and a spoon) you could mash it down onto your panino without damaging the bread. Anyway. Eh, I guess? And also, I have no class?

Whatever, you knew that already.

(No, thought: I think it'd compliment other things really well, this cheese, like maybe something like salami and, I dunno, roasted pepper on a sandwich. It's just not meant to live alone. Like, I dunno, certain people who take the opportunity to live alone to mean "hell, no, you don't have to shower." Cough, cough.)

Sunday, August 31, 2008

Parrano

Parrano
Comes from: cows
Purchased at: Whole Foods
$8.99/lb

This cheese is pretty okay. It's got a nice sticky chewy-ness to it; go figure, it ranks with your traditional sandwich cheeses (... muenster?) on the hardness/wetness scale. (Um, that was surprisingly sexual. HARD. WET. AMERICAN. CHEESE.) I'm searching the archives, though, because I swear I've had a very similar cheese before, and recently... but maybe I just mean I *sampled* this cheese somewhere, so there's not an entry for it. Anyways. This cheese: Okay, not great, I'd probably want to do something with it if I had to serve it to the queen.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Cambozola

Cambozola
Comes from: cows
Purchased at: Trader Joe's
$11.49/lb
So mostly I want to talk about this cheese because its label alerted me to the existence of "microbial rennet," which is what vegetarians (and kosher-types?) can use to make cheese when they don't want their cheeses to contain delicious, delicious baby cow stomach. Hooray for science! (Except that some vegetarians apparently don't even think fake rennet is good enough, because... um, "Somehow, cutting a calf's stomach into pieces to create cheese, or inserting a calf gene into bacteria and yeast to produce bioengineered cheese is not very appealing." Wait, how are those *at all* the same thing?) (Oh, and now I totally want a campaign banner that says "LITVAK PALATE: ENFORCING MICROBIAL SLAVERY SINCE 2008.")

Anyway. Like that other time I ate an obscene amount of Trader Joe's cheese, I find myself at a loss here. Mostly because my blood is slowwwly flooding my digestivey bits and probably taking on a white undertone while doing so. Ew/yum.

This is a perfectly servicable stinky cheese, is what I'm saying, and it's not even *that* stinky, and certainly not offensively stinky. Not as strong as blue cheese of the type you'd find on your salads, but a milder verson of the same will put you in the right ballpark. I'm just not sure how I'd serve this one at my future hypothetical dinner party. It's not crumbly, so not on salads... Maybe you could use it to top your fancy burgers, though. It'd probably be awfully good at that. Or! Or an appetizer, on crackers, with honey. I think that'd be good.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Pecorino Grand Cru

Pecorino Grand Cru
Comes from: sheep
Purchased at: Whole Foods
$15.99
... Damn. Damn, this is a good cheese. You know, I love me some pecorino -- like I said, parmigian's saltier sheep-cousin -- but damn, maybe I have been buying the wrong type all along. Because damn, this one is salty but not too salty and just a hint of sheepy but not actually sheepy, like the memory of sheep or a lamb in the daisies. (And are there two poems that reference lambs in the daisies? because I feel like only one is about death.) Vote "yes" on proposition "this cheese," kids. And if you don't like it you are wrong.

Monday, August 18, 2008

Patacabra Goat (Zaragosa Spain)

Patacabra Goat (Zaragosa Spain)
Comes from: goats
Purchased at: Whole Foods
$22.99/lb


Now this? This is a good cheese. A solid "medium" on the hardness scale, somewhere around muenster but of course tasting nothing like it, and maybe it'd be softer, even somewhat spreadable, if you didn't eat it straight out of the fridge like (cough, cough) some. Anyway. Good solid goaty flavor but not too goaty, and the rind (chew-licious) has a good sour tang that's not foot-ish. HOORAY GOOD CHEESE. Also would pair well, I'm guessing, with apple butter.

Roncal

Roncal
Comes from: sheep
Purchased at: Whole Foods
$22.99/lb

A firmer cheese with air pockets, dry-ish rather than sandwich-cheese-wet. This cheese is also mild, but it's a *better* mild than yesterday's. I dunno; I guess there's just a hint of sheep-ish that means that the cheese has some flavor, but not, like, overwhelming sockfoot. Once again I have the urge to combine it with rosemary and olive oil.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Aged Mimolette

Aged Mimolette
Comes from: cows
Purchased at: Whole Foods
$19.99/lb

I'll be honest. I bought this cheese entirely because it is unnaturally orange. I mean, look at it! Only extra-sharp Wisconsin cheddar is that color, and that's because the kindly Wisconsinites add orange dye to it to warn us fellow Americans that THIS PRODUCT HERE MIGHT HAVE TASTE. CONSUME WITH CARE.

(Okay, actually the internets tells me that annatto, which this cheese contains, is the source of sharp cheddar's coloring, too. The more you know!)

(This cheese also contains RENNET, everyone's favorite cow stomach lining. HOORAY.)

Anyway. Despite the EYE-BURNING COLOR, this cheese is surprisingly mild in flavor. I mean, it *kinda* reminds me of Parmesan, but that could be -- in fact, I'm 90% sure it is -- because the cheese is as firm as Parmesan, if not more so. Not especially sour, a little salty... Yeah, mild. I don't know what else to call it but mild.

On the other hand, the color is impressive as hell, so if you want to bust up some mimolette for your next party and serve it on toothpicks, I'm sure you'll impress. I mean, unless your guests know anything about cheese, right? NO ONE KNOWS ANYTHING ABOUT CHEESE.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Double Cream Brie

Double Cream Brie
Comes from: cows
Purchased at: Trader Joe's
$5.49/lb

This is brie. Brie, everyone. Everyone, brie.

This is not quite half a pound of brie.

This is not quite half a pound of brie that I ate while I was studying the night before my step 2 CK.

Which did not go so well.

But there was brie, at least.

Brie from Trader Joe's.

Trader Joe's is kind of like the Ikea of cheese-sellers. You will not buy what you want; you will buy what the store *has.* In bulk.

It will be pretty good anyway.

Friday, August 8, 2008

Grass Stains: Soft Ripened Cheese with Peppercorns and Proprietary Herbs

Grass Stains: Soft Ripened Cheese with Peppercorns and Proprietary Herbs
Comes from: cows
Purchased at: Whole Foods
$19.99/lb

Yes, really, "proprietary." As in... owned by... somebody else? What the hell does "proprietary" mean?

In other quibblings, this cheese isn't really soft, which I interpret to mean "spreadable." It's more of a medium-firm cheese (think... swiss?), but it's much drier than your sandwich cheeses (and I made up that term just now to mean cheddar/muenster/provolone/swiss/etc), so it flakes. Mmm, flakey cheeses.

Anyway. So this cheese. I liked this cheese. Covered in (and incorporating) a mix of spices I can't really identify (thyme? was that thyme?) and pepper. Also surprisingly spicy, but I dunno, I liked it better than that other spicy one. Maybe because the primary taste was not "hot" but also "other herbs" and a little bit of cow cheese. Num.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Asiago Vecchio

Asiago Vecchio
Comes from: cows
Purchased at: Whole Foods
$15.99/lb

So I was really hungry when I ate this cheese and I didn't write a real review at the time -- I just took a photo and fell to -- and, um, now I don't have much to say about it. It is a hard cheese? You can eat the rind? I did not like it as much as I thought I would, though it was not bad?

Yep.

Monday, August 4, 2008

Parmigiano Reggiano

Parmigiano Reggiano
Comes from: cows
Purchased at: Whole Foods
$17.99/lb

Okay, so I eat at my desk. Pretty much always.

And my review of Parmigiano Reggiano was kind of predetermined, because you know what I have to say about this cheese? You know what I always have to say about this cheese?

NOM NOM NOM.

That is all.

Sunday, July 27, 2008

BATTLE OF THE STRING CHEESES!!!

Dun-d-duh-dun-duh-d-dun-dun-dun-dun, d-d-dun, d-d-dun, d-d-dun, d-d-dun, Dun-dun-dun, dun-dun-dun, dun-dun-dun, dun-dun-dun, Dun-nuh-nuh-dun-nuh-nuh-nuh... aw, fuck it.

The contestants! And, um, extras. (Have I been eating these cheeses for the past two weeks? WHY DO YOU ASK?)

CONTESTANTS:

WaWa String Cheese
365 Brand (Whole Foods) String Cheese
Trader Joe's Light String Cheese
Kraft String-Ums
Penn-Maid String Cheese
Maggio String Cheese

Kraft likes to advertise its cheeses with an insane cow.

Which totally looks ripped from Chicken Run, no?

Maggio, meanwhile, is the *fun* snack.

Whose bag looks like it was designed by me, circa 1995. On a Mac.

Okay, enough blathering. LET THE GAMES BEGIN.

CHEESE FIGHT!


(I'd like to thank Chung May Grocery, right here, for the toothpicks. TAKE THAT WHOLE FOODS AND RENEWABLE RESOURCES.)

So I have to say that the outcome of this match surprised me. But I have never eaten six string cheeses back to back to back -- in fact, I feel kind of ill right now -- and there you go.

(Midway through the carnage.)

The loser, I think, is Penn-Maid. And not only because I hate Penn-Maid cottage cheese -- it is sour and *wrong* -- though that may have handicapped the cheese a little. But this string cheese also tasted... sour. I can't describe it beyond "sour." Oooh, or "like you licked the back of the refrigerator."

The next-loser turned out to be 365 Brands. Also slightly handicapped, maybe, by my feelings about Whole Foods, but also just... bland. Bland and kind of without any chewy bite to it. Which, I guess if you want your string cheese to be all melty right off the bat that's fine with me, but that's not how I roll.

So that leaves WaWa, Trader Joe's, Maggio, and Kraft. Trader Joe's, I think, suffered for being a diet cheese; it's good for a diet cheese, and also had a nice bite to it that the others lacked, but in the end it just didn't taste as good. (However, I will probably keep buying it, because for 60 calories it's not bad.)

So. Maggio, Kraft, WaWa. I was surprised Maggio made it this far, honestly. Both Maggio and Kraft had a little bit of this... aftertaste thing going. *Like* Penn-Maid's aftertaste, but not... really. See, they also had *flavor,* which made them not as bad as Penn-Maid. As for WaWa, WaWa lacked the icky aftertaste, but did this weird thing where in its final moments before the swallow it got a little gritty.

Soooo to conclude: WaWa in first place by a hair, Maggio and Kraft tied for second, trailed by TJ's Light in fourth (a decent finish for a diet cheese, right?), 365 Brand in fifth, and Penn-Maid rolling into last place.

ALL HAIL WAWA.

I still feel vaguely ill.

Fulvi Crotenese

Fulvi Crotenese
Comes from: sheep
Purchased at: Whole Foods
$14.99/lb

So a warning on this one, too: Try not to eat the rind. You can gnaw at the rind, the way you should with all hard cheeses, but I am pretty sure that the rind itself is made of something that is not cheese. Something like... well, wax. Or rennet, as the label says. YAY RENNET.

So I started eating this cheese on Friday, and after I'd consumed most of it I put a touch back in the fridge because, eh. And I couldn't figure out what I wanted to say about it, because, eh. It is a sheep's milk cheese, which is a negative, but it is a hard cheese that flakes right, which is a positive. It doesn't taste too sheepy, which is a positive, but then it doesn't taste strongly of anything, which is a negative.

(We might have... *issues* with mild or gentle flavors over here at Litvak Palate. Y'all can analyze as you see fit.)

So I put this tiny bit of cheese back in the fridge for two days, and then tonight I pulled it out because, eh, hungry, and lo! The cheese tastes much better now. Less... boring. Still unsheepy (hooray!) but with a nice... aged-ness to it. Or something.

In conclusion, then, this is a cheese you might want to sit uncovered in your refrigerator for two days so it can soak up your fridge-scent and replace it with its own vague sheepiness.

Yeah.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Rustico Red Pepper & Bel Paese Traditional

Rustico Red Pepper
Comes from: sheep
Purchased at: Whole Foods
$12.99/lb

Bel Paese Traditional
Comes from: cows
Purchased at: Whole Foods
$9.99/lb

So the Rustico. Smells vaguely sheepy but not overly so. Softer than muenster, though it holds its shape better than mozzarella. The peppery bits are large (relatively) and crunchy and surprisingly spicy, and the cheese itself is not too sheep-heavy. Overall, I think the pepper kinda overpowers the cheese flavor a bit too much -- and the cheese flavor, as I mentioned, is good and not sheep-y -- but it'd be a good cheese to cube and set out at a dinner party with a bunch of toothpicks. (Unless your guests are vegetarians, because this cheese? Also contains rennet!)

And the Bel Paese. Okay, first? The rind really is made of wax. DO NOT TRY TO EAT THE RIND. (On the other hand, this one is rennet-free, for all your cow-enslaving-but-not-killing buddies.) Smells... like... cardboard? First bite: Oooer-um. So... Okay, second bite... See, this cheese is... It doesn't taste like feet, as I feared at first, and in fact it tastes better the longer you push it up against your palate, though that could just be my tongue-cells dying... Also a softer cheese, this one; like the other, it holds its shape but you can crush it against your palate with minimal effort. It reminds me... a little of Robin Eggs, for no reason I can describe, and a little of regular muenster. This cheese is *confusing.* And, um, kinda bland overall. Not a party cheese, this cheese; I'd save it more for, um, baking. If I ever baked with cheese, I mean.

As a mini-review, Whole Foods had set out what I believe to be Unikaas something or other tonight, and for the second or third time I had a chunk and thought, Oh, this is *good.* But then there were no small sad single-person pieces, and so you got these reviews instead. Voila!

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Arina Goat Gouda

Arina Goat Gouda
Comes from: goats
Purchased at: Whole Foods
$13.99/lb

So this cheese. You -- and here you are me, or, um, I; ugh -- anyway, you grab this cheese out of the sad-single-people-portions basket at Whole Foods, thinking, "Hey! I like gouda! I like goats! What could go wrong?"

But this cheese is the most un-gouda-like gouda I can imagine. It's a pale yellow color (see above) and, according to the packaging, it contains eggs. Does real gouda contain eggs? I have no idea.

(No, says Wiki. No, it does not.)

(Okay, from that Wiki entry: "Some say that the best Gouda cheese is in Iceland. But the location of the 'cold island' is still in debate." Dear anonymous editor: Of all the entries on Wikipedia, you picked the *gouda* entry to vandalize? With an obscure joke about Iceland? I am so confused.)

(Also from that Wiki entry: I would totally be banned from this place. TOTALLY.)

(This cheese also contains everybody's favorite, rennet! "Animal rennet," in fact, not mere cow rennet. Yum.)

Also surprising, there is a... hidden crunch to this cheese. The cheese itself is rates with American muenster on the hardness scale -- not soft, not hard -- but evvvvvvery so often there's some... grit to it. Which, not unpleasant, just surprising. And again, I was expecting gouda, which... is hard, right?

So, point is, this cheese is calling itself a "gouda," and I'm not sure why, 'cause it's not. At least to me. On the other hand, the Dutch would know, I guess. (Dear Holland The Netherlands, okay, I get it, stop having two names already: Why?)

BUT THE POINT IS. This cheese is pretty good. There's a nice acid kick at the sides of your tongue when you start chewing it, and a good sour taste (no, *good* sour) at the back of your throat when you swallow. Also, a strong goat-ness throughout; if goat's cheese ain't your thing, stay away.

As for pairings (lookit me, gettin' all fancified with my cheese-speak!), I'd say... um... dunno. I'm sure it'd be good with apple butter, but I want to pair *everything* with apple butter, so that's no help. I'm sure it'd be good with nice crispy bits of baguette, but again, I want to put *everything* on a baguette. I'm wondering if this cheese would be fun to do something really (comparatively) scary with, like... olive oil and rosemary. I have no idea why I'm saying that, because I am not that fancy, but...

(Hang on, I have a bite of cheese left.)

Okay, yes, olive oil and rosemary. You're welcome.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Seaside Cheddar

Seaside Cheddar
Comes from: cows
Could have been purchased at: Whole Foods
Instead sampled for: Free

You know, the last fancy cheddar I tasted almost put me off fancy cheddars for life, because why spend bazillions (okay, not bazillions) on something that is not quite as sharp as that nice, pre-sliced, bright-orange stuff I can buy over in the cheap aisle? Yeah, why?

But this cheddar is different. This cheddar is *good.* It's pale yellow and very soft for a cheddar -- at least at room temperature -- a sort of sticky-softness that clings to your teeth. But what's weirder is the crunch; despite being soft, this cheese crunches like parmesan. I can't explain it. Oh, and it tastes strongly cheddar-y, nice and salty and, you know, cheddary. Is good.

Monday, July 14, 2008

Kraft Fat-Free Singles

Kraft Fat-Free Singles: Cheddar
Comes from: cows (I think)
Purchased at: ... Acme?
$... your soul?

Did you ever notice how disgusting food appears in photographs? I think I read somewhere that the animators of Ratatouille actually had to work to make the food look *less* lifelike, and therefore more edible.

We are not cheese snobs here at litvak palate. We do not shy away from adjectives like "socks" or neologisms like "melty." And we are not ashamed of artificial coloring!

[Thought: If one says, "We are not snobs," but in that same sentence is referring to the "royal we," is one automatically disqualified from the sentiment?]

Anyway. Moreover, we here at litvak palate recognize that there are times in a girl's life when she maybe finds it necessary to cut back on some calories. Maybe she has a wedding coming up, or a television appearance, or a fabulous beach vacation, or maybe it is all part of a complex plot to catch herself a millionaire. Or maybe she has just bought into the industrial self-hate complex that is American femininity today.

(Or maybe she has just started a cheese-blog.)

Whichever. We at litvak palate are here for you.

Now, *some* of you may be sniffing in my general direction, falling all over yourselves to instruct me on that French method of weight loss, that theory that if you eat real food with *flavor,* food you can enjoy with each bite, you'll fill up faster and you won't blow up like a balloon even though le chef has incorporated an entire bâton de beurre into your chicken. And sure, food with flavor *does* satisfy you in a way that diet food does not. However, if you, like me, were born with a bottomless pit of a stomach that defies your actual physical size, you know that all the flavor in the world can't make a mountain out of a molehill. (Hi! Mix metaphors much? I do!) You need to pack some *volume* in that bitch. And that's where diet food comes in. (Also, salads. Lots and lots of salads.)

This cheese ("pasteurized cheese product"), then. 30 calories a slice. (A slice is 21 grams or three-quarters of an ounce; most cheese is about 110 calories per 28 grams or one ounce, though your string cheeses and diet cheeses will have less and your delicious, buttery cheeses will have more.) The slices themselves are bright orange and, even taken straight from the refrigerator, have a soft, tofu-y quality to them; they're so soft that they roll rather than fracture when you fold them, so soft that they have to be individually wrapped. I'd rank these slices at about mozzarella level on the hardness scale, though of course they're nothing *like* mozzarella. They're also remarkably nothing like cheddar, which they purport to be. In fact, I've had both the American and cheddar varieties of Kraft's fat-free singles, and they taste... exactly the same. *Exactly.* Except the American cheese is lighter in color, and so it kinda-sorta-maybe triggers something in my brain, like "Oh, this cheese is not that cheese." But it's a placebo effect.

But then, for a placebo effect, this cheese isn't *terrible.* I mean, it's edible. It doesn't have much flavor, but as a corollary, the plastic after-effect taste that accompanies so many diet cheeses (I AM LOOKING AT YOU, FAT-FREE PHILADELPHIA CREAM CHEESE.) is mostly absent. And this cheese melts very well, as you might be able to see had I taken a picture just before I consumed that bowl of... stuff, up there.

(Diet dinner! Spray pan with Pam. Fry up a quarter of a large onion with garlic; add ten or so baby tomatoes, sliced, some crushed olives, and a handful of frozen sugar snap peas. Add oregano, basil, and Jane's Krazy Mixed-Up Salt. Rinse off a package of tofu shirataki pasta, cut it into manageable chunklets, drain well, and add to pan. When there's only a little liquid left in the pan, turn off the stove but leave the pan over the heat. Crack two eggs into the mix; stir well. Allow the heat of the ingredients to cook the eggs to just-past-runny done-ness. Dump contents of pan into bowl; add two slices fake cheese. Wait for cheese to melt. Mix. Total calories: 40 from pasta, 140 from eggs, 60 from fake cheese, plus however you count your vegetables.)

See, the thing is this. I have a certain... theory of diet food. And my theory is that so long as you don't expect the diet versions to taste like the real thing, you'll be okay. Diet pasta does not taste like real pasta; I'm not really sure it has any taste at all, though it does have a certain seaweed-like musk. Diet ice cream does not taste like the full-fat, actual-sugar kind. Diet cheese does not taste like real cheese.

Overall, though, this cheese product isn't terrible. If you let it melt onto your fake pasta for long enough and then take a bite, for a minute it clings to your palate in just the right way, and you can pretend you're eating something you're happy with. Truthiness is to truth as fake cheese is to real cheese.

God bless America.